q: I still miss my ex...

...we were together for three years and I can't shake the thought of him away. When will I get over him?

a: It will be hard, it will be painful, and it will definitely be frustrating. The length of time will vary for everyone but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

It's hard...that is one thing I can guarantee. It took me a good three years to recover from the carnage of my last relationship and to this day a part of me still isn't fully healed. I spent a lot of that time blaming myself: I wasn't pretty/thin/rich enough to keep him. What I didn't see was that the relationship was doomed to begin with. I ignored several red flags yet jumped in anyway. It's not always about you. (This can be a hard fact to accept, I'm still trying to accept this after my weekend snafu.) That's the first step toward forgiving yourself.

I read an interesting quote recently: "In order to get over one, fuck many." I'm not sure if this works for everyone, I do know it didn't for me. I guess it might be effective as a temporary distraction but I can't see it healing the pain from the last relationship.

A great way to help alleviate the pain is to live your life for yourself. Do all the things you couldn't do while in the previous relationship. (You know, like get some awesome head from that hottie you've been surreptitiously checking out during your lunch break...just kidding!...or maybe not...) He hated sushi but you love it? Call a friend up and go to that new sushi place you've been dying to try! Your ex bitched about you going out with the girls? Call them up and shake that ass!

(...but watch yourself! ...okay, I'm a huge idiot. Feel free to slap me.)

I know it's a terrible cliche, but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I usually don't advocate games, but here's one that worked for me. After spending the summer on-and-off fucking my ex, I wanted to see if he really wanted to be "friends". When fall semester rolled in and I moved back on campus, I quit calling him. There were many times I wanted to (alcohol is evil, I'm tellin' ya!) but I kept my composure. Sure enough, he didn't call. And if a guy quits trying to contact you, it's an obvious answer.

Another thing is, when you succeed, don't rub it all over the ex's face. It's tempting but take the high ground. When I went to Amsterdam for Queen's Day 2007, I wanted so badly to call my ex and brag that I had accomplished what he had wanted so badly. He was still in Florida, engaged with a baby on the way and I was partying my ass off in Europe. However, a good friend stopped me and informed me that such a thing would only remind him that I was still thinking of him. And who needs that?

Finally, don't try to get over a relationship by quickly diving into a new one. It's not fair to the next person because the wounds are still fresh. They want to make a connection, not to act as a wet nurse. You'll still be facing your demons except now someone else is stuck in your mess.

Bottom line is, accept the pain, do your thang, don't hurt others and in the end, everything will be okay. No, it won't be the same but you'll be better off thanks to the experience. I promise.